The sun has set and certainty evades me. Any assurance I had flees with the disappearance of light. Darkness brings no reprieve, no peace of any kind; only doubt, only hurt, only memories.
Why is it that we can be so sure one moment and so worried the next? How is it that faith can be so fleeting? Why does hope dissipate when the moon shines, and kindle with the rising of the sun? What is it about a new day that inspires? What is it about the night that suffocates?
How can all these things exist in the same day? In the same heart?
I know it's the right decision. I know in the end, it's the wisest thing. But there are moments where that offers little to no comfort.
It's not so much hurting because I'm missing my boyfriend. There is that. Because there is a certain amount of confidence and warmth a boyfriend can bring. But I miss my best friend. The guy that I could tell my deepest secrets to and know that it was safe. I knew that I could tell him anything and he would protect me. He would hold my secrets in his heart and no one else would know. He would never expose me. To this day, he hasn't.
I think that's the roughest thing. Outside of him, I didn't really...don't really have any best friends. Not anyone in particular. I have many close friends and people that are deep into my heart, but since South Africa, there haven't been any besties.
Maybe that's what all of this is about or can be about. I know that there's more but maybe that's one of the things. Maybe there's someone (girl) out there that I will just click with. That will hold all my deepest secrets and that I can just laugh with and have a million inside jokes with.
I hate that people are in school, that people are busy... It doesn't make any of this any easier. The fact that I have way too much time on my hands makes me feel useless. Pray for a second job to open up...
I know it's silly... or it may seem silly, but I miss being able to text him whenever I want and I miss calling him when I feel icky and him attempting to make me laugh even though I usually thwart his attempts... I just plain miss him. And I'm left to wonder whether or not that will fade... Whether or not one day I'll wake up and I won't miss him at all. Whether or not the same will happen for him...
trust
–noun| 1. | reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. |
| 2. | confident expectation of something; hope. |
| 3. | confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust. |
| 4. | a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust. |
| 5. | the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted. |
| 6. | the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust. |
| 7. | charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust. |
So I guess I can say I trust God... That He is my trust. I couldn't tell you how this is going to work out, how this is going to end... But I trust that God is going to make this all for the best. I trust.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb 11:1
I have faith...
Something I once read said, "Never give up hope. When it gets dark, the stars come out." So even in this nighttime, however long it may feel, I know the stars are out. I'll just have to seek them out. It's like standing in the middle of NYC and trying to see the stars. It's impossible. There's so much smog and light pollution.
You have to leave the city. Clear out all distractions. Go to the middle of Botswana and sit in the desert. It's clear out there. You can see.
So I guess that's what this is... The desert.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her."
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