The Anna Chronicles: I

She stared at the scattered scraps of paper strewn across her yellow bedspread and found tears springing into her eyes, but forced them down. Part of Anna wanted to just weep to no end. She knew, however, that she had cried enough tears. She knew that the time had come to stop mourning and rejoice.

It had been a month since everything began to explode in her face. Of course, it had been building for much longer than that, but it peaked just one month ago. Anna sighed. How many days since the explosion? Honestly, she hadn't been counting.

It felt as though her heart were in pieces on her bed. Everything that had summed up the last almost two years of her life was splayed before her. Papers. That's all that was left. Memories and reminders of the past.

Letters from friends that were dear to her heart, tiny gifts, and movie tickets. Even receipts from purchases made in South Africa. By far, the best year of her life. Never had she felt closer to God or more unique, more appreciated, more untouchable by the world's problems and dilemmas. She came a long way in just nine months.

How had she fallen so far backwards? It felt like she'd crested the hill, saw what was ahead, and balked. Why believe in what's to come when you can live for the moment? Why have faith when you can have confidence in right now?

She sighed again picking up the pieces one by one, separating several for another purpose and putting the rest back into the box. Part of her wondered why she was doing what she was doing. It was finished, wasn't it? Why did she have so much hope, so much faith in the impossible? Why did she believe in what was never going to happen?

Looking at one of the scraps, a smile played on her lips. Of course, she grinned. God had promised her three things on February 1st, 2009. She held them close to her heart and whispered a silent prayer. "Please, God. Remember your promises," she murmured getting choked up again.

Shaking her head, she collected the rest of the bits. Hopeless; it all felt incredibly hopeless. After all, that would be easier, wouldn't it? Adopt the world view? Simply straighten her back, lift her chin and claim she was fine, she was all better, and she was ready to move on. She could lie. She could act. She'd done it for years and years before God demolished every wall and trace of deceit.

...Undeceived...

Another sigh.

She knew she couldn't go back to walling up. She'd come too far to try and pretend God hadn't affected her the way He had in YOYL. Honestly, she had certainly been affected forever...changed was a different story entirely. She understood and grasped so strongly that God was a jealous God; that He only wanted her. After all, that, in the end, was all she had to offer, wasn't it?

Tucking away some more papers, she picked up her laptop and sighed again. How did she suddenly come across so much carbon dioxide that she could just be huffing and puffing like this? It was ridiculous.

Staring at the screen, Anna knew that she really was okay. She felt her heart soften and mold yet again. She had become putty in the hands of her Master. She had no secrets from Him. What secret could she possibly keep? He knew everything about her. Even more than she knew about herself. It came as a slight comfort to her on occasion. When she knew she didn't have a clue, she knew who did.

Yes, she was heart broken and still cried from time to time but all wounds heal with time. It was just a matter of time and trust. She knew that.

Her glance caught the caricature of her and Brian from Dorney Park back in September before their anniversary. She couldn't help but smile. Anna knew she could be upset at the thought of eventually not having him in her life, but there were far too many good memories to dwell on an inconceivable future.

After all, that was what she held deep in the oceans of her heart--all those wonderful, exciting memories. The kind of memories you have with someone that feel like silky hot chocolate on your lips in the midst of a cold winter day. They just curl in your belly and bring a giggle to your lips and a twinkle to your eye.

And no one can take that from me, Anna thought to herself. Never.

She realized that it's good memories that are the easiest to keep. That wasn't always true, but she'd made it true in her own life. Sure, the bad ones were the most vivid, but the good ones were far more numerous. That was so important to her. She could have the most vivid, awful memories, but as long as the dim, fantastic ones outweighed those, she could keep a smile on her face.

In the end, it was joy that made all of her memories with Brian "good". He had brought incredible amounts of joy to her life. It didn't shock her that most of her memories were ones with her laughing. He always made her laugh. He still did. He was infectious and to deny that would be ridiculous. Anyone that ever met him agreed on that fact alone. Brian was inspiring and brought merriment with him and shared it with whomever he met.

Ironically, he sounded like an elf. Anna laughed out loud. Picturing Brian as an elf had possibly just made her day. But elves had no concept of something greater than themselves. They made presents for children and stuffed them onto a sleigh.

No, Brian was so much more than just "like an elf". There was an incredible amount of depth to him. There was a vastness that was his heart and delights that were his dreams. Anna knew it was reasons such as these that she decided to love him.

That was the saddest part of it all. All of their dreams and hopes and faith had crumbled over time. It had been battered against for months and after far too much abuse, fell to pieces at their feet. She should have seen it coming.

They had tried time and time again to come back to Truth. There had always been something in the way... Some one in the way.

"Well, God. I'm here now. And I'm the only one standing in the way of you and me. You're all I've got. You're all that's left." Anna paused. She didn't need to believe her next words because she breathed them, her heart rang with their truth. "You are what I want.

"I'm sorry I forgot you. I'm sorry I forgot your providence and your greatness. I'm sorry I forgot you were God. Father, I'm so sorry." The tears came and she didn't stop them. "But, Daddy, I'm here now. I'm broken and empty and I can't take any more pain. I do need you. I know I don't act like it but I do.

"I know there's so much I have to do yet. All I ask is that you don't leave when I step out. I don't want to be left walking alone when my faith takes me far beyond where I thought it would. I'm so scared to go where you've called and just be alone." She shook her head.

"God, I don't want to be alone." Anna paused for several moments. She wanted to launch into all these prayers and petitions, but restrained herself. "Thank you for your promises," she whispered. "Thank you that you are a Promise Keeper.

"No matter what, Daddy, I trust you."

Anna wiped her eyes, closed her laptop, and left her room. On her way out, a piece of paper in a collage she had made months ago caught her eye: "Love is stronger" was written on it.

She chuckled. "Yeah. It is."