Day 3

"And then there was evening, and there was morning--the third day." (Gen. 1:13)

My third day. The sun has risen again, proving to me as always that life will go on with or without you. And now I'm wondering how many days are left? I think I just might count. Not count down. Because I don't want to slip into obsessing. I don't want to focus so hard on the end that I miss the "during".

What did God create on the third day?

"And God said, 'Let the water under the sky be gathered into one place, and let dry ground appear.' And it was so. God called the dry ground 'land', and the gathered waters he called 'seas'. And God saw that it was good.

"Then God said, 'Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.' And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good." (Gen. 1:9-12)

I wonder if God is doing the same thing in me. I wonder if He's separating, deviating, assigning. Could it be that the time of fruitfulness that my heart has been crying out for in its sleep is near? Could it be that there will be plants bearing seed and trees bearing fruit that bear their own seed blossoming and growing in my heart?

I notice that all these things I would usually talk to him about... I'm now blogging about. Or rather the fact that I can't talk to him about everything, I'm blogging instead. I'm processing this the best way I know how. Writing helps me think. Writing makes me think. Writing is my thought processes. I don't think I'd have it any other way.

I wonder what God created on the fourth day...

I wonder if my fourth day will be any easier. I wonder if I'll miss him any less. Haha Some might say, "It's only four days!" Indeed, it is only four days. But it is the first four days of hundreds to follow. Tell me, God, how fast can you make time go? How slow will you make it pass? How content will I be to watch the second hand tick away, marking every second I'm not making the most of?

How can I make the most of every second? How can I grab Day Three by the horns?

I know that these days will blend together and before I know it, it'll be day 33 and then day 133 and before I know it, six months will have come and gone. Every day I wonder what it's going to be like. To see a man you gave every piece of your heart to after six long months of giving to no one else. To look into the eyes of someone you once loved so carelessly, but so passionately, so immaturely, but so completely. To wrap your arms around him and hear the heart beat you've waited every day to hear for one-hundred and eighty days...

Have you waited expectantly for every single one of them, though? Has it faded? Will I have come to the place where God is all I see and nothing else really matters? Will I still want to be with him? It's the loaded question that plagues me every day. I do now. But what about tomorrow? What about day 33 and day 133? What about then?

I'm not worried about my heart staling. You can't be in love with Someone as wonderful as our Redeemer and have a stale heart. You can't have relationship with the Bestest Friend you'll ever have and have a cold heart. It's just impossible. Like oil and water mixing perfectly, becoming united without separating given time. Impossible.

But there is a heaviness tucked in the corners of my mind. What if...? Those two awful words. What if God really is going to go about this in a way that makes my heart clutch in my chest today? What if His plan really is so incredibly different from my hopes? What if there's nothing left? In either of us?

...what if he finds her...?

Ugh.

Staring yourself in the mirror in the morning and realizing that the man you honestly, truly love, maybe not every day right, maybe not every day perfectly, but truly love nonetheless; staring and realizing that it's a distinct possibility that you're not the woman for him. Even though he loves you back. Even though today he loves you back so much. There's that distinct possibility. And it's growing to a likely possibility with each passing day.

Imagine staring at yourself and coming to terms with the fact that if that's the case, it's what's best. If I'm really not it, there's someone a million times more beautiful, more wonderful, more everything for him. And that is what is best. That is the best thing for him. Looking at yourself and knowing that, looking at yourself and believing that, looking at yourself and being okay with that is the hardest thing any woman will ever have to do.

Someone could argue it's easy to be okay with it because that means there's someone better out there for me, too. But that's not why I'm okay. Loving someone is wanting what's best for them and giving that best to them when the opportunity arises. I love him enough to give him that option. To tell him that he's free. To tell him that he's not mine. That even though it hurts me to think about him with someone else, someday it might not, and that as long as she is indeed better than me, it's fine. ;) Cause if she's not, I'll knock her down where she stands.

I don't know. This is all big. I know that. And I know that he still holds my heart and that it is a likely possibility in the next six months that I'll get all of it back, that I'll heal completely and there won't be an ache, a throb from his lack of presence in my life.

And if that ache is still there even though I'm whole...even though God has filled me up to overflowing and I'm joyous and happy, but there's this ache from the place my partner in crime took, this gnawing feeling because my best friend still isn't in my life the way he's supposed to be...

Well, I guess we all know what that means. :D And today, that's enough to put a smile on my face.

I think I like the third day.