I know I don't understand God at all.
Put the two together, and I'm at a total loss. Thus, my current predicament.
It should be a comfort that God knows the inner workings of my heart, that He knows my desires and knows what's best before and better than anyone else. It should be. But sometimes I just want a hint, you know?
"Hey, God! It's me! Down here. And uh, well, I kinda know what I'm feeling but I'm not sure what any of that means or if I even should be feeling it... Little help? Please...?"
But I guess I'm asking to know the future...not so much the condition of my heart...
I realize what I said at the beginning. "The" heart, not "my" heart. So, yes. I'm not quite sure I understand the heart. I'm not quite sure I know how to love. I'm not quite sure I want to love. Part of me aches because I realize this must be how God feels a lot of the time. He aches because we won't love Him. He designed us for relationship with Him and so often we turn that down.
Some people know what it feels like to love someone to the end of yourself and have them not love you back. It's like hopelessness and despair coiling around your heart, suffocating you, slowing its beat. It's one of the deepest hurts imaginable. Because you pour and you pour to no end, to no fill.
Some people even do it "correctly". They love on God's strength, His way, but even God hurts. As I'm sure He does when we refuse to return the love only He is owed. I'm owed nothing, therefore I have no right to hurt. None owe me their love. None owe me their loyalty. The only thing I am owed, the only thing that I deserve is death. [If you wipe Grace off the face of the earth, that is....]
But because of grace, I do not receive death. (Unless I welcome it myself.) I'm capable of choosing Life. It's an actual option because of Grace, because of Love.
I said something to my mom that I've known all my teenage years as a fact: "Just because you're hurting, doesn't mean the world will stop turning. It'll go on with or without you." It was a revelation to her; something incredibly profound.
How could something that seemed so simple, so "duh" to me be so deep and profound to her? I was essentially saying the same thing as "Get over it. No one'll wait for you so you can't wait for yourself." It's just "duh".
When I'm hit, I refuse to stay down for long because there's so much to do, so much that needs yet to be done. The world will not wait for me. To mourn over myself is selfish, pointless, almost childish. How I deal with my bruises isn't always healthy or Godly, however. And that is a point I must make. Sometimes I only bury it only to have it unearthed again by the last person I want seeing it...Him. And then other times I let Daddy kiss the booboo and make the monsters disappear. However, lately, the latter proves to be true more often than not.
And I find that everything really is okay then. I don't have to understand why or when or what or how. It all just fades because I have a focus, because I have my eyes on the prize, because I see Truth. Because Daddy is showing me how it'll all end up... How it always ends up... In His hands; safe, protected, resolved, whole, pure.
And THAT is far more comforting, more pacifying than anything else. It still hurts, but the ache turns to a dull throb. It still confuses, but the sun will come out soon. When it seems as though there is no hope, no secret prayer worth keeping, worth praying, He shows me the little seedling. He shows me that little sprig of green amidst all the dirt and rocks and hills. He shows me that it's okay to hope because even if your hope never is fulfilled, He'll patch it. He'll fulfill.
And in the end, that all I'm really asking for anyway... To be fulfilled, to be full...
All these things I know...
...but, Daddy, please let my little plant grow anyway...
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