My Impossible God

Hopelessness is like a disease. It comes on you slowly showing few symptoms initially. Then a few more pop up drawing concern and notice. And before you know it, you're overcome by it. You're faced with a few questions: Should I get this checked out? Should I go to the doctor? Should I just give it time to pass? Is this even curable?

Sometimes you even try to diagnose yourself. "I know exactly what will cure this," you think confidently. Often times, because we are not physicians, we are wrong. Sometimes you may even have to see a specialist to get properly treated.

God is a specialist in every area... especially the heart. And yet, so rarely do we ever consult Him in reference to it. So rarely do I ever consult Him...

I think I'm just at a loss...

You know... If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it must be a duck, right? And I just find that it keeps on NOT being a duck. No matter how discouraged or how disheartened I become lately, God keeps brightening my world with little pinpricks of light.

Are those pinpricks enough to keep me going when the lights go out, though?

Can I live and thrive on a whisper in the night? Will a murmur be enough to carry me through the storms? No matter how much like a duck it may seem, will I trust that it is NOT a duck, but something else entirely? Will I trust that it is, indeed, what God said it was before that alleged duck waddled on into the picture?

Will God's word be enough for me? Will I let Him carry me through the darkness and trust that even though I cannot feel Him or see Him in that pitch black, I'm still curled in His arms, held close? Is one word, one promise, one declaration enough for me?

And even if I don't feel like it is, will I let it be? Will I force myself to allow that ONE WORD to be enough? Will I push through the doubt and the darkness and light my own candle? Will I carry it and believe that even though I can't see more than a foot or two in front of me, that God is still true? That the room I started in didn't change just because the lights went out.

Do I believe Him? Do I really let God resonate in my soul? Do I trust Him?

Do I or don't I?

It's not a difficult question. And yet for some reason the answer always comes out like this mumbled half reply that doesn't make any sense at all.

What I've been asking myself lately is whether or not I truly believe that my Master is the Inventor of the universe?

Do I sincerely believe without reason, without explanation that my God is Lord?

That there was a man who walked the same earth that I walk today that paid the ultimate price for my unworthy life?

Do I believe that He raised the dead? That He gave sight to the blind? That He made limbs grow?

Do I believe that He's STILL DOING THAT TODAY?

And above all...

DO I BELIEVE THAT HE WILL AND IS DOING GREAT MIRACLES IN MY LIFE EVEN WHEN I DON'T SEE THEM AND EVEN WHEN THERE'S NOTHING BUT ONE PROMISE, ONE WORD TO AFFIRM THOSE MIRACLES?

Do I...?

Do you...?