Chapter One

So I'm kind of at this new stage in my life. It's an entirely new and different place. It feels strange and awkward, but so wholly right at the same time. I feel like this is the place God has been calling me to for a very long time now. I'm not exactly sure how to handle myself and I think I'm just getting a hang of being an individual person. You know, not having your name attached to someone else's. After all, mine was for four years.

But I'm realizing I don't know how to act. I find myself thinking, "What would so-n-so think?" about different things that I say or do. Of course, that's not random. I used to think that all of the time. "Would so-n-so approve?" And now, I'm left to wonder how many things I did for the sake of "So-n-So" and how many things I did because I believed them to be right.

I'm realizing now that maybe all along the question I should've been asking myself is: "What would Jesus think of this? Would He approve? Would He bless this?" And if the answer was yes... Well, there shouldn't be too much conflict with So-n-So as a result.

But now I'm this single person. No one to giggle with or flirt with. No one to smile dreamily at or hold hands with. (And although I love holding hands with my girlfriends, it's just not the same.) And I realize I could do all of these things without being in a relationship, but there wouldn't be much point. It would be a silly facade, not to mention a hopeless one. I would be tricking myself into believing that I could have all of that and be fine with zero commitment. But we all know we get attached given enough time and enough long, drawn-out stares into each other's eyes.

Also what I'm realizing is that I don't just want to hold any random guy's hand. It was holding hands with a guy that you knew cared about you and wanted to be with you and wanted to stare at you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. That was what made your heart beat fast and what made it all worth while.

I'd like to say that I'm already healed. And you know, I think on some level I already am. Something God said to me yesterday was, "Anna, just because you're healed doesn't necessarily mean you're ready." And I thought about it. Someone who breaks a bone or tears a ligament--something like that--does heal, but they may have to go through physical therapy before they can do all the things they did before. That's not necessarily part of the healing process as much as it is part of a preparation.

So I'm being prepared and being trained. Just because God may have healed my heart in an instant doesn't mean my heart doesn't need MAJOR physical therapy. There is so much that I have to learn and relearn. There is so much growing up and understanding I have to do.

That was something else God pressed on my heart. He doesn't want me to act grown up or to start worrying about grown up things. He wants to give me wisdom. When you have wisdom, it's a little hard to be childish. And He doesn't want that. He wants my heart to be child-like. He wants my ear to be pressed up to His chest, intent on listening to His heart beat just because.

Little kids don't need very many reasons to do anything. If they do something silly or random, people smile and say, "Oh, it's okay. They're just being kids." That's their explanation. I don't know about you, but I would like people to look at me and say, "Oh, that's okay. Kids will be kids." But I'm 20. I feel like my time for being a kid has long since passed.

As far as the world is concerned, I'm an adult that needs to be worrying about adult things and doing adult things and be thinking about adult things.

Someone asked me, "What if a 3-year-old, for the sake of argument--your 3-year old came up to you and started asking you about the mortgage and gas prices and stocks?" He went on to say not just for curiousity's sake, but they were actually worried. Wouldn't that just seem silly? You would just pat them on the head and tell them that right now, their only job is to be loved by you. Isn't it exactly the same with us and God?

When I come running to God and I'm freaking out about where to go to school and how I'm going to afford anything in life or go anywhere in life, I'm pretty sure He wants to just pat me on the head, bend over, hold my face in His hands and say, "Anna, let me worry about all of those things. Your only job is to be loved by me."

And knowing that... Knowing that all He wants to do is love me and take care of everything else... Does that change everything I do, everything I want, everything I think I need? And if it doesn't, should it?

Should the fact that my job is to be loved by Him and that's IT define the way I see, feel, and think about everything? I think it should.

And on some level, I think it's beginning to...

So this is chapter one of a brand new story. And this time around, it's only my story. Only my name is on the front cover. It's scary and exciting, packed with action and adventure. But above all, it is a Love story. About Someone who had the desire to rescue His bride and set her heart free.

And so that is what He did.