God is Bigger Than the Boogie Man

Do you ever have those moments where you're just completely blown away by how loved you are? And I don't mean adored or how many crooning fans you have or anything asinine like that. I mean true, unadulterated, unconditional love.

So really what I mean is that you're blown away not by how MANY love you but how those who love you, love you. I mean those who know all your crap, all your nitty-gritty, nasty stuff. But when they look at you, their eyes still shine with adoration and you know their heart is full of you.

They don't hold your weaknesses over your head. They don't nag you to be "better" or to be "more". They love you just the way you are. And it's by not really ever asking you to be that better version of you that you're capable of being, by pouring into and loving the crazy person that you are, they're pulling that better version out of you all the while.

They make you want to be more in a good way. Not in a manipulative or insecure way, but in that selfless way that makes you want to be the best version of you for them because you sincerely feel they're being that for you.

It's funny how God's love incites this. It also incites terror. What if I'm not worthy of this love He so freely gives? What if I fail? What if He realizes I'm not worthy? I did nothing to merit this after all... But that's not unconditional love. It doesn't exist in human form so how can we really fathom a being that knows all of the evil thoughts and whims of our hearts and yet, loves us, wants to spend time with us, longs for us? It's unfathomable.

I'm sure many, if not all, of you have been in love. I am in love. I'm not going to tell you all the reasons why. I'm not going to say that he's just perfect and writes me love notes and bla bla bla. He IS one of the most amazing men I know, but he's flawed. Which is a relief because God knows it would be exhausting to be with a human who was perfect. That's a lot to measure up to. But I do love him. He's stood by me through many a dark place and never once looked at me and asked me why I'm so awful. He's never demanded retribution for my deceitful heart even when it has affected him. He has only ever offered me his hand, that wonderful look in his eyes. He sees in me what even I can't and I don't know that I'll ever thank him enough for that.

He puts up with my childishness. I don't know why. I don't know how. But he does.

I have lately found it difficult to fall asleep at night. I don't really think it's insomnia. It's just I get scared. I all of a sudden feel as though I'm 5 years old again, afraid to peek out from under my blankets for fear that the boogie man may be lurking near. I usually just turn a light on, play some music and fall right asleep. Tonight, however, I texted Ray because I thought he'd be dead to the world since I knew he went to sleep much earlier.

I asked him if I could call him before I went to bed and he said I could try but his cell phone service had been weird all night. I told him it was fine and asked that he just pray and go back to sleep.

As I started surfing Facebook, my phone rang with his custom Super Mario Dubstep Remix. Because nothing befits him more. What followed was a ridiculously simple conversation. But I think it is in those simple things that he knows exactly how to calm my storm and remind me that in simplicity is peace.

"Hey!"

Rushing through all of his words: "Hey I don't have much time 'cause my phone is being weird and I don't have service in my room but I just wanted to tell you I love you."

Smiling. "That's all I wanted to hear."

"Good."

"I love you, too."

"Don't be afraid.
...
It'll be okay."

Pause.

"I know."

"I'm gonna see you tomorrow morning and I'm gonna give you a huge hug."

Laughter. "A bear hug?"

"Yea. A bear hug. Now get some sleep."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you, too. Good night."

You know, I really don't think I know all that much about love or about loving people the right way, but I HAVE gotten pretty good at spotting what's love and what's selfishness. I've experienced both ends of the spectrum. I've been guilty of both ends of the spectrum. But I'm pretty dang certain that now that I have something that's so incredibly mutual, that's based on something that really is give and take, I'm not going to let it go anytime soon.

You can bet on that.