The more I thought about it, the more I worried and bit my nails. How could I show all of these people that it was the real thing? How could I turn the incredulous into believers? How could I prevent them from seeing him as a victim?
After wringing my hands and muttering angry, fearful words under my breath, I heard myself saying, "What if they're right? What if it is just a silly phase in my life? What if I'm doomed to never really love anyone? What if it is all just one great ploy by my subconscious to fool everyone and myself? What if it's just a great big joke?
"What if they're right?"
I'm not entirely sure I expected an answer as I was really ranting to myself as I usually do. But as soon as I finished one rant, ready to launch into another, God simply replied, "What if they're not?"
It was as though something was rent in two in that moment. Yes, the implications of if everyone was, indeed, right was terrifying, paralyzing. However, that small question He posed in return held a glimmer of hope. In that moment, I thought of all the people in my life who know the truth. When I say "know the truth", I mean know me and my heart. People whose eyes I can meet as I walk down the aisle and can see the pride, the love, the joy shared in their eyes. They know it's right. I know it's right. He knows it's right.
It was truly then that I realized I didn't care about the whispers or the rumors or the incredulity. I'm not going to marry anyone to whom I cannot or do not want to commit. People who don't know me also don't know what's best for me or him. They don't care about our relationship. They don't really even care about him or the outcome of our relationship. They're only interested in the drama, the intrigue, or even the prospect of failure. Frankly, I'm not really even sure why people think they know so well what is best for others if they have no role in their lives. All they know is "he said" "she said" and it's all just so sad.
I'm just not scared anymore. I'm not scared to love a man with every fiber in my being. I'm not scared to be Mrs. Anna (HisLastName). I'm not scared to wave a ring in people's faces whether they're going to be excited for me or not. It's MY life. I'M the one living it and at the end of every day, I'm going to make decisions based on what's going to bring ME joy, on what's going to bring me that much closer to the Throne Room. If this man is that, then whisper all you want, but don't waste too much air or too many words on it because they're going to go up into the atmosphere, empty, meaningless, pathetic lies.
I think for the first time ever, I really don't care what the universe's opinion is on my relationship. I'm sick of people saying, "Oh, you know I really thought it was the right thing for you guys to break up. It just seemed like a good idea." Or "Oh, you got back together? Do you think that is a good idea?" Or "Mm, is it an on again, off again kind of relationship?" Or even "Oh my gosh! You guys are so cute together!"
There's some choice words that I would love to say to those of you whom have said these things, but being that I'm working on cussing not as much, I'll leave it to your apparent over-active imagination.
There are people in my life to whom I am accountable and if I'm not sharing the details of my relationship with you, then it's not you. Find someone else to judge or talk about because you're boring the rest of us.
Yes, I'm ranting, but I think after several conversations with several of my very close friends, I'm realizing no matter what you do, people are going to assume they know every little detail there is to know about your life. And since they know those details, they know exactly what kind of person you are and what your future is going to look like. Sad and grim.
So now I'm speaking to all of you that have been in those shoes--the ones where you know people are talking crap, sewing lies and spewing slander. Forget them. I know there's that voice in some of you. "What if they're right?" But I counter with a resounding "What if they're not?" Cling to hope. Be who and what you want to be. Have you always wanted to draw but you're not the best artist? Pick up a pencil. Scared that you won't capture the right angle or lighting for a photograph? Take pictures anyway. No one said you have to master every task you take on. Called a whore? Love purely and seek out Truth. Called weak and a pushover? Seek out in scripture what God says about the meek. Learn to love your strengths and your weaknesses. Then, fill in the cracks. Work on the weak points. Because the fact of the matter is, you're NOT perfect. But no one ever said you had to be. It's your journey. Walk it at your pace.
Be a jack of all trades and a master of none. Love those whom are worthy of your love and your heart. Do the things you've always wanted to do! Cross off every item on your bucket list! "Life is but a walking shadow," MacBeth said and although he was...less than intelligent, he was right in the sense that it's temporary, passing, here one minute gone the next. And I am saying it's too short to live it by someone else's standards for your life.
If you're a Christian, why? Because you were raised in the church? Seek out Christ for yourself and no one else. Why are you looking at the schools you're looking at? Because your parents want you to go to their alma mater? Because your significant other goes to that school? The world is literally your oyster. You can go anywhere. So go anywhere. But do it for you. No one else.
Start asking yourself, what do you want? And not for selfish gain. I'm not talking about, "You want that Ferrari?! Go out and get that Ferrari!!" I mean, I love writing so I'm going to write. I've always loved singing but it was my sister's thing so I refrained, but damnit I'm going to sing. All things creative I really felt as though it was more my sisters' territory, but nothing is off limits anymore. If there's something in your heart that's itching, scratch it.
I'm going to marry the man of my dreams and look only into his eyes on that day because there will always be people saying it's wrong, people telling me and each other I'm not good enough for him, that I'm going to be a nagging, bitchy, controlling wife, but I know something that they apparently don't. It's my life, my marriage, my choice. And I choose to love him and only him, to make him feel like the most cherished, adored, handsome, strong, capable man that has ever walked this earth. And the most beautiful thing about it is that no one will ever know the lengths I will go to do this and no one will ever know to what lengths I've accomplished it because it's between he and I.
I have the respect and honor of people in my life that I respect and honor. But most of all, I have the approval and love of the Big Man Upstairs. That's finally enough for me. And as if to prove a point, The Way that You Are by the Classic Crime just came on Pandora.
Point taken, God.
"Don't let them say, 'This is the way that you are.'"
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