Do you ever meet those people that make you question just about everything in your life? I don't mean values necessarily, but direction. Looking into their eyes, you are suddenly aware you have no idea where you're going or what you're doing and even if you do, you're just not certain you've taken the time to wonder if they're the right things.
I don't like these people.
I think it's because they make me realize I'm scared. I'm scared to venture for myself into this big ol' scary world.
What's worse is somehow, without their knowing, I realize God has had very little to do with my direction. The choices I've made have been of my own independent thought. Not to say there is anything wrong with that. However, I'm still trying to find the balance of including God in my life.
Ha! That sounds incredibly ironic. "Hey, only reason I'm alive and breathing. Would you like some say in what I have no control over anyway? This is an invitation."
Really?
Have I become so arrogant that I think God is as a child needing to be informed on the affairs of my life? Have I become so self centered that I think I can update Him like I do my friends via email?
I remember being sold out. I remember being younger and knowing that I didn't have a plan, but that I didn't really care because as long as I was following God's will, as long as I was walking in the footsteps of Christ, I was happy. Happy actually doesn't even begin to describe it! I was overjoyed, insatiable, and clamoring to get higher, to get closer to Him, to be fully a part of His throne room, to experience His glory in a way that left me mesmerized and silenced.
All of this fervor and sparkle have left me. I have grown sour and embittered. I can think of many things that have made me this way but all are chalked up to my choices.
I'm feeling that wild feeling in my chest again. That panic sensation when I feel I am on the cusp of being EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
I suppose that is what my life has become: comfortable. And knowing that... It makes me uneasy. Mostly because I'm not quite sure I know how to go about changing. I'm not sure what needs to go, what needs to stay.
I know I've run for too long. That I've been stumbling in the dark for fear of what the light may show me. How many times have I lied in bed hearing the things that go bump in the night, but being far more terrified to turn the light on for fear of what it may reveal? Countless.
I'm an all or nothing person and I'm quite certain I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. But I think that may be because I'm scared of what "all" may require, may take from me or out of me. I'm scared to death of being uncomfortable which is exactly what I have preached against so avidly for years.
So I'm not quite sure if you know who you are, and I'm certainly not sure whether or not I want to thank you, but I know some day I will. Without even knowing me or I, you, you have completely turned my life upside down. And it wasn't even the conversation. It was those eyes. It was the way you seemed to look right through me, but so intently at me that for some reason made me question the status of my life.
I can't help but wonder if you're going to become a part of my life or if God put you there for a moment to remind me He wants all of me, not just the pieces I'm willing to throw at Him from as far away as I can manage.
Today, though, I will not thank you. Because I am certain everything is about to change.
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