I feel defeated on a daily basis. I don't think I've ever felt more helpless in my life. It's ridiculous and disgusts even me. When I was growing up, I often felt as though there was little I could do that pleased my parents because I was nothing like my "goodie goodie" sisters. I didn't have the right answers. I didn't have the appropriate attitude. I wasn't connecting. I wasn't communicating. The more they said things like the latter two, the more it caused me to retreat into myself because why bother doing more damage? Which was exactly what I was doing anyway.
Since then, much has changed and I haven't really felt that way in years. Until all of this with the restaurant. Just completely and utterly incapable. It's like gym class in eighth grade when they tried to teach us to juggle. Besides the fact that I really lack any and all hand-eye coordination, I wasn't much into juggling. So needless to say, I failed (not gym class. Just the juggling part. And let's be honest. Juggling? Really? 'Cause I'm gonna use that later in life. I did plan on signing up for the circus...). But I couldn't even juggle SCARVES. Things that fall so much slower than basically anything else you can juggle with and I just simply couldn't do it. It was so frustrating. And right now, I feel like I'm juggling chain saws. Eight of them. On a friggin unicycle.
So all of this leaves me wanting to basically throw up my hands and let the chain saws rain down and as they do, bitterly throw profanities at the people that make me feel so small, so insignificant and pathetic.
Until today as I was staring at the one person I believe I've grown to very much dislike, borderline hate and it was like God punched me square in the jaw. As I was staring at him, just about seething with contempt, this verse came to mind:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Mtt. 5)
Damnit.
It was instant conviction and it was then that I realized just how far I've fallen, just how low I have stooped. All this time I've been griping about how he thinks he's infallible and how inconsiderate he is and I can't believe how he bla bla bla bla bla. What a selfish human being! How arrogant have I become? It's my pride that's on the line and because of that, I've been lashing out. Not verbally (at least to his face), but I've thought evil, awful, slanderous things. For what? For my damaged pride.
"From the fruit of their mouth a person’s stomach is filled;
with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied.
The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit." (Prov. 18:20-21)
and those who love it will eat its fruit." (Prov. 18:20-21)
It's not a wonder I'm sick, fretting over my in-capabilities. I have been eating the fruit of slander like a gluttonous fool. I've been astounded by my own depravity in different areas over time, but never this. Now I see that little, sick demon, standing in the corner, eyes blood shot, mouth covered in saliva, jumping up and down, screaming profanities and libel.
God, forgive me for thinking of myself so highly. For trying to salvage my pride while I'm drowning. It's silly and childish. Show me humility again. Show me Love. I've forgotten what it means to love radically. I've pushed aside your example for the sake of redeeming and protecting my pride. For that, I am sincerely sorry.
Break me for the umpteenth time, Abba. We both know it's long overdue.
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