You know you asked me if that other blog about not feeling anything was about you and I told you it wasn't. Which was the truth. I started writing another blog not too long after that one about you, but I never finished it. I figured now it's time.
There is a whole mess of emotions I feel when I think of you and maybe it's because you were my first love or maybe it's because there's just so much history there. The first emotion I feel must be positive because I smile. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it must be because all of it is finally over and I know you're happy and this makes me very happy because I feel I was the cause of a certain amount of misery in your life for far longer than I should have allowed.
And with that thought, I feel sorrow. There are stupid things we did, but none of them touch the regret I feel when I think about how I strung you along. I hesitate to say that because it didn't feel that way at the time and was never my intention, but even out of the best intentions, the worst things have come.
I suppose I feel free from you in a different way. Not in the sense that there is no connection to you whatsoever, but I feel free when I think about you. There is no weight in my chest, no cringe in my spirit. I am happy because I know we are both happy in our individual lives right now.
I've said it a million ways and a million times, but I am truly sorry. "Lo siento" as we used to joke. I do only wish you the greatest of joys in the rest of your life and pray that God bring you some semblance of peace and of His presence as those things may evade you from time to time.
Thank you for teaching me many valuable lessons about myself and about life. There are more than you know.
Ab imo pectore,
Anna
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