Alone

People are often praised for doing the right thing even when it isn't easy.  But I think the right thing, if it is indeed, right, is almost never easy.  I've done the right thing and all the praise in the world would leave me hollow.

I hate the insanity of humanity.  Sometimes I wish I was mindless, thoughtless, emotionless.  I feel as though it would remove room for error.  It sounds a terrible fate, but I wonder if continuously ruining things is worse.

Being a grown up is no fun.  I know that may be no news to some of you, but I'm tired of it.  And the one joy I had in this time of craziness I have stripped myself of.  It was the right thing to do. I know this. Because even if you love someone so much it hurts to think about being away from them for an extended period of time, but there's room in your heart for someone else. ... Well, it doesn't really sound like love at all, does it?

I'm confused today and feeling very much alone.  "Do you have anyone you can talk to about it?" He asked me and I shook my head.  There really is no one. I'm sure there are a million people that would offer, that would be willing to console, but I need more than that.  I need Godly wisdom.  And more than this I need the Godly wisdom of someone who has been here all along and they are few.  All but one live in another state, country, or continent.

I am not alone. I know this. I can feel God's tender touch on my shoulder, reminding me that even in the darkest times in my life, He has been there.  And it makes me wonder at my own selfishness, my pathetic self absorption.  Because even in all Christ's perfection, He was alone in the garden praying. Left to Himself to grieve and knock on Heaven's door. So I can't help but wonder if some of our darkest, most difficult seasons we are meant to be alone.  I can't help but wonder if the answers and wisdom I seek must be sought alone.

And I think if and when I am answered by my Abba, I feel being "alone" isn't such a terrible fate after all.