I think if there's one thing I'm grasping better than anything else, it's the depth of my simplicity. That sounds ironic, I know, but what I mean is that I'm learning just no matter how deep I dig, I just come up with more of what I already know about myself.
... I see how this may be confusing...
The more time I spend being introspective, the more I realize I am simply a depraved, selfish coward. I apply these thoughts to most any situation I'm in and discover that same truth. As a human being, these are simply my most glowing attributes. There is nothing about me that is worthy of recognition or admiration or praises. I am all about me and I do that so well.
Some would think that this is me digging for compliments or even dealing with some major self esteem issues. I truly wish I could explain this in a way that helped you understand it's none of that. The more time I spend thinking about "me", the more I realize that (on my own) I am a terrible being. I am easily corrupted, weak, hateful, angry, selfish, fearful. I'm so very deeply flawed.
I think what I'm getting at is I'm coming upon a revelation of what "goodness" is.
And oh, dear, the more I write the more I realize this is going to make little sense to anyone that's not crawling inside my brain and taking a long, hard look at all the mess swimming about in there.
I'm just not sure that anything "good" I do (whatever your system of goodness or badness may be) is of myself. I don't think if you keep digging deep and hard into my humanity that you'll really find anything that I am that is good.
Look, the thing I'm most worried about is that you'll think that I'm proposing some sort of theology or that I'm bashing people who are good or whatever. I'm doing none of those things. I'm drawing from a girl who has spent most of her life dealing with some major pride issues, thinking she can do it all on her own, that she doesn't need anyone's help.
I suppose the thing I'm realizing is that I suck. The only goodness I can find in me is from what God whispers to my heart. The only reason I'm concerned about someone is because He's nudging me. I think if it was up to only me and I just ignored Him completely, you would be hard pressed to find anything redemptive about me.
Again, I'm just speaking of myself. I know plenty of people that don't know Jesus, don't love Him that are so very nice and compassionate. I don't know that I would be those things without Him. So outside of whether or not you believe in a God or not, you should throw Him a thank you anyway for grabbing my heart. I know the way I am, my pensions for stupidity WITH God and a conscience (whatever it pleases you to call it) and without that.... Well, I'd either be dead or a lot of other people would be dead.
I think the reason it pleases me (in a sense) to think this way is because it makes it that much easier for me to lean on Him when the last thing I want to do is lean on anyone... It makes it that much easier for me to eat a whole humble pie knowing that anything "good" that comes from me isn't really from me. I'm someone that's really good at leaning on me. It's easy for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and not wait for anyone to ask me if I'm okay. It's the way it has been for a long time and I don't think I ever really expected that to change, but lately it has been.
I like knowing that I'm depraved because it makes it so much easier for me to get on my face and thank God for Grace, and Love, and Mercy. It makes me want to be more like Jesus, which at the end of the day, whether or not you believe He lived and walked, is pretty good news for anyone. He loved people in a way that you and I could never even dream of. He healed people of their afflictions. He treated everyone equally regardless of what they'd done.
More than anything, I'm learning I really LIKE Him. I've always had a sort of indifferent reverence toward Him. But I'm learning I like everything He stood for, everything He did. I understand little of it, but the more I read about Him and learn about Him, the more it just sends warm fuzzies all to my heart just like Ray does when he looks at me.
Most of all, I'm just finding it so completely hilarious how we can arrive at the conclusion that we've learned all we need to learn about Him. I'll never stop learning. Each day I'll be surprised by something new. I just know it. Because there are moments where Ray completely surprises me with something he'll say or do and I'm shocked because I thought that I knew him oh so well. It turns out when you love someone, there's always something new and exciting to learn about them.
And I have to admit something that may weird you out in a sense, but I am totally and completely in love with this Jesus guy. He's a better man than anyone I've ever met or ever even read about. And that's why I'll never stop learning. Because I want to find out everything there ever is to know about Him. And I don't mean in a creepy, "I'm in love with this dead guy" sense. I mean as though He still lived and breathed and walked. And you know, since He's fully man and fully God, that's not too far of a reach.
Maybe I chose Christianity because I see the whole thing as a huge challenge. Those of you that have walked the walk know that this is so.
And I do love a good challenge.
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