I Don't Apologize for Good Decisions

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." (1 Cor. 13:11)

Now. I would like to preface this by saying I do not think I am all grown up, that I have all of this Christianity, morality, maturity business figured out.  I think that is very far from the truth.  I do believe I am growing, though.  I do not mean in the physical sense because that is inescapable (except in height; I doubt I will ever grow another inch past 5'3").  I mean spiritually, and possibly even in maturity wisdom. (After looking up the definition for the word "mature", I decided it wasn't exactly what I was trying to describe.)

I do not think I am particularly wise.  I occasionally can be quite level-headed and sober-minded, but I am a female and am also an Italian so I am certainly apt to bursts of irrationality and whimsy.  I do not think that wisdom, however, is always doing the rational thing.  I think wisdom often times requires something that rationality cannot offer and does not have: heart.

I think wisdom is more times than not evaluating more than just the sensibility or the practicality of a situation.  It certainly requires on some occasions for us to step back and evaluate the situation removed of our own emotions, but I see that as selflessness, not as much rationality.

This is all besides the point.

I feel as though I am seeing things clearly that I have never seen before.  So rather, I am seeing for the first time.  Things that were considered so valuable to me, so important have lost their shine.  They seem childish to me and frankly, impractical, not to mention sincerely foolish.

I am left to wonder if the rest of my life will be me looking back on the past and thinking, "Man, was I an idiot."  For each new season following its predecessor has summoned this emotion.  I fully believe in grace and a "clean slate".  I am, however, also beginning to realize that the things that seem so important now simply may not be so in five years or more (or less).

I suppose that's called re-prioritizing.

I just feel as though lately, I've been outgrowing things.  It's as though all the "hand-me-downs" I received have been worn into oblivion or simply do not fit anymore.  I feel as though I'm outgrowing perspectives, preferences, opinions and even people.  Not to say in the least that I am in any way, shape, or form a better or more decent (or any positive comparative really) person than these people.  It is just that whatever it may have been that I saw in them or whatever it may have been that we had in common, I simply do not see anymore or has become dissimilar.  I do not think this is bad or wrong. I think it is part of growing up.

There are others, certainly, where I shake my head at my infatuation or association with them.  It is funny how starry-eyed we can become over a silly human--someone who truly merits no such affection or admiration.  By chivalrous standards (which are of course, not the highest or only standards to which one can be held), he is merely an actor.  He neither keeps his word nor holds himself to standard with which he so vocally requires of others.

Yes. I am thinking of someone in particular at this moment. Actually, a few "someone"s.  I am not perfect. I have not always kept my word.  I am a hypocrite.  I am aware of these things, however; quite profoundly I would say.  I am not claiming to be humble--not in the least.  I am claiming to be honest, though.  Those who know me would say I am rather straightforward and blunt and I make no apologies for either of these things.  I think those whom are willing to be real and genuine are few and far between. Do I take it too far? Often.

I would never call myself a woman of my word.  I would not say I always meet the standard I require of others.  What irks me is those who defend their honor as though it existed.  Those who preach living an upright, Godly, "spiritually led" lifestyle and when the moment for them to live out what it is they so avidly profess occurs, shy away.

I want people who are aware of their depravity and understand that there will be moments where living set apart often times means living sacrificially.  I want people like my sister.  Those who will more often listen than speak.  I want these people because I need them.  I need to learn from them. I need to learn about grace and love and a quiet, gentle spirit.  I need to learn more about letting your actions speak for themselves.  I am poor at these things.

I suppose that is why I am "outgrowing" people whom are nothing like this.  I suppose that is why my desire to invest or spend time with them is fading.  It is an influence I would rather not reap.  I am hungry to be a better woman in this season in my life and hopefully every season following.  I want to be influenced by people who understand today is but a shadow.  I want to be impacted by those who will, more often than not, put others before themselves.  I want this because I feel I am rarely capable of these perspectives. 

As it goes, "Bad company corrupts good character."  So I think I'm letting go of bad company--be it people, habits, or perspectives.  I just am tired of being a child when God is calling me to so much more, has marked me for such greater things.  I suppose this is my way of letting "you" know.  All of those people, all of those things:

I'm outgrowing you.  And I make no apologies for leaving you behind.