2 Corinthians 3:18

I watched the pilot episode of "New Girl" not too long ago. The episode opens with Zooey Deschanel monologue-ing about the stupid girls in slasher movies that go down into the basement in their underwear to check out creepy noises and you're yelling at them to at least go put some clothes on, but then by the time they realize they should do just that, it's too late because they're already dead. Then, she says, "My story's something like that."

It was comical, but as I was reading all my old blog posts, I realized my story isn't too far from that either. Where you're just screaming at the main character to NOT do the stupid thing you know they're going to do anyway because it's a movie and it's been scripted that way... And just when it seems like maybe they'll be smart, they WON'T split up, or go into the dark basement with the flickering lights, or walk around their house in a towel shouting "hello", they die.

Yes, my story has been this lately. It seems like when I go back over and read all my old writing and see those moments where I get so close, where it seems like I'm finally going to "get it right", stay consistent, stay on track, I'm stumbling right back into the darkness, deciding it's best if I go into the basement without an axe or a gun or a butter knife at least for crying out loud.

But on some level, it also gives me hope. Because when I do read those posts or poems or ramblings about how He's infecting my soul, my heart, my mind, wooing me back into His embrace, a piece of me lights on fire and flickers there for a brief moment. And if I keep reading, it grows brighter and warmer and stronger and I find myself remembering how wonderful it feels to just sit in His presence and have Him smile at me.

So many people have said in reference to this journey that we're on: "It's not a sprint; it's a marathon". And yet, every time I rise up from the muck and mire, I find myself all up sprinting up this mountain. There is no plan of attack, no route set out. I'm just running and then I'm falling and then I'm back at the bottom of the mountain, face in the dirt. Go figure, ya dummy.

I'd like to say this is where it starts over, where I make the right decision and no more screwing up, but I'd be lying to myself and you. Because the fact of the matter is that I'm a perpetual screw up. I will always be falling down the mountain a foot or a mile, but the great part is the reason I keep getting up. His name is Jesus and He's there, whispering words of encouragement in my ear, telling me He loves me desperately and unabashedly, telling me it's all worth it... That one day I'll see Him face to face, feel His arms around me, His kisses on my forehead.

And even though I may keep screwing up, and forgetting there is something greater at work in me than I know, I look to the sky. For amidst the clouds and the blue, the gray, the black, there is hope shining.

And one day, I'll stop heaving, my lungs will no more gasp at the thin air and my knees won't grow weak beneath me. One day, I'll be staring at the sun shining in my face, its warmth pouring over every inch of my body and the glory of the Lord will fall on me completely and I'll know nothing else, care for nothing else, desire nothing else but to be in His presence, surrounded and absorbed by Him.

Whether that's tomorrow or 100 years from now, I don't know and I don't care because He is taking me from glory to glory in THIS life. TODAY.

God, give me resolve. Give me consistency. But more than these things, take me, break me, ruin me... As long as it's all for you, Father. Let me be a fool in the eyes of this world, but a faithful servant to you. Show me what it means to love dangerously, to serve with wild abandon, and to glorify You in all the earth.

So take me as I am and move me from glory to glory.

I am Yours.

ps-i'm home.