Thoughts of an Angel and Other Things

A Penny for Your Thoughts, Angel.

By: Anna Molinari

I’m feeling those awful pangs of loneliness.

That creeping sensation of emptiness.

It crawls up your spine, turns to a whine in your head

Leaving you craving what left you feeling dead,

Hating, heaving over the side of a toilet.

God, why did I let it in?

Why did I give into pain?

It pours down on me like a winter’s rain,

Every drop a stab, every last bit freezing my veins,

Leaving me cold, lifeless, with a bitter unforgiving smile.

I can always last a while without giving into those pangs,

I can ignore the languishing of my body,

Aching for attention, for pleasure,

Ignoring God and all things moral.

But only just for a while…

My figure’s like coral, pleasing to the eye and colorful,

But it’s hard, a skeleton, empty and void.

Today, you’ll gain nothing from me.

I won’t give you the satisfaction of seeing through my shell.

This is my hell, my prison cell,

The place where my dreams are quelled and life has ceased.

I hate the men who brought me here,

Who taught me how to live in fear,

To hate the tears that I shed before I slept.

To forget the dreams that I kept so close, held so dearly.

Clearly, hope is naught but a shadow.

Always chasing it, never reaching it.

But there’s a tenderness breaching all of this.

My loathing, my groaning, my hating, my depraving,

There’s something that breaks through all the indecency.

It’s my Savior, my Darling, come to set me free.

God, how can it be? That you would long for one such as me.

I’m so incredibly dirty, soiled from life, cloaked in regret.

I’ve been stroked, touched, and seen by too many,

All for a penny or nothing at all.

How could I have fallen so far?

And yet, you desire my heart.

You want all of me, Abba, and I don’t even understand

How I’ll ever be worthy of such a man

That you say I am.

It’s all so overwhelming and I can’t fathom your grace,

Your love as it covers my face, my sins,

Covers me from the demons that would have me give in,

That would have me live in my wickedness, my evil.

God, that you would see me when no one else would,

When no one else could…

This breaks my heart in two

Because it’s the pure unadulterated Truth.

God, I know I am a corpse without you.

Help me see what is true.

This poem was inspired by Redeeming Love which I am reading for the second or third time. It's been on my heart to read it for about two months, but unfortunately, as I do more often than not, I put it off. It's such a moving tale of Christ's love for His adulterated bride (us, the church) that is personified through Angel and Michael Hosea. The more I read it, the more aware I am that this is not just any, old, girly love story. This book shows the lengths that Christ went to in order to win us to Him, at the greatest price.

I came to a conclusion about my previous post as well. Paul was a murderer and when God gave him a mission, he went on full throttle despite what people would think, despite the thoughts and whispers that he was a hypocrite. God commissioned him and he accepted it. So I guess, the Mary Magdalene's and David's and Paul's of this world can change it. Because at the end of the day, "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Rom 3:23), and it is in our weakness that Christ's power is made perfect (2 Cor 12:9). So the point is: God is God and we as humans suck. The only reason we are capable of anything good is because of God. So I think I'm just gonna let Him do His thing (it usually [aka always] works out better) and just be obedient to whatever call He decides to place on my life. Yes? Yes.

Glory be to God for His never-ending grace and His love which endures forever. Amen.