Heroes and Villains. Sinners and Saints.

Do you ever get this plaguing feeling that you're an awful person? It starts deep down in your belly and eventually you're choking on it.  Or on tears.  You have no real way of knowing.  All you know is this memory, or memories, hit you square in the chest and you're staring down the gauntlet of actions realized.  And you can't help but think there's no redemption for those things. They are forever solidified in your past, as much a part of you as your eye color.  You can put in color contacts and have the whole world fooled but the fact of the matter is your eyes are still brown and you're still full of shit.

So the question is: are people capable of changing?  Does making lifestyle changing decisions affect the awful person that I am?  It certainly doesn't change anything that I've done.  My choices now have absolutely no effect on the choices I made then.

Some may say, Well what about Grace and Forgiveness and Redemption? Where does God factor into this? And I do know His grace is sufficient, that His love covers a multitude of wrongs.  But what about the people I have wronged?  What does God's grace have to do with them?  God's grace over my life changes nothing in theirs.

I guess I'm feeling like "I'm sorry" doesn't cover it.  And showing them I'm pained over what I've done to them won't change a damn thing.  I've been told I have to forgive myself and move on otherwise they have the power... But there is a part of me that wants to do penance on their behalf. Part of me wants to be punished.

And then I'm left to wonder if that's selfish. Am I doing penance for them or for me?  Is is because I want to rid MYSELF of guilt or them of pain? I don't really know that I have an honest answer to that question.  But I do know I don't mind pain.  I don't mind self-inflicted guilt.  I can handle those things and I often say if I could lift people's burdens and feel their pain in order that they might not suffer, I would do it.  And not out of some self-sacrificial, savior complex kind of need.  It's because I have felt loneliness and longing, agony and heartbreak.  And I would wish those sentiments on no one.  Heroes as well as monsters are borne out of pain and I would happily forgo the former to eliminate the latter.  Furthermore, without monsters, I'm not sure we would have a need for heroes.

A large part of me believes I am a monster.  I am certainly not a bystander at the mercy of the monster nor am I in need of saving by the hero.  I am not a damsel in distress.  I do not think there is anything about me that warrants the title HERO.  I am the villain in my own movie.  I have not stood for meritorious things.  My past and present are full of shady, underhanded tricks and lies.  I feel as though I have brought about the fall of many a hero.  Perhaps that is merely a perception...

I suppose maybe I am wondering what separates me from the villains? Many would eagerly assume or dream that they are the hero of their own tale.  It would be my own hope that this is so, but I find I have much more in common with the villain.  I am manipulative and selfish, using people to my own ends.  I have been many a man's kryptonite and a knife in many a brethren's back.  I spread ill will and slander with little thought.

These are all only thoughts.  Many a rubiks cube has been twisting in my head, trying to make sense of colors and patterns.  I'm not saying I can never be a hero.  I'm not saying beyond a shadow of a doubt I am a villain.  I have never truly tried to be either.  I am saying it is apparent to me which direction the scales are tipping and I intend to change that.

Ignorance is certainly bliss, but now that these things have surfaced in my heart and mind, feigning ignorance would be truly villainous.  Now that I am presented with the truth, with a solid shape in the mirror and not sifting shadows or ghosts of the past, I am capable of being something more, someone heroic...

Maybe even possibly a hero.

Two things in the last 24 hours have solidified something in me.  I am no victim to fate and I am not beyond saving, beyond honor and integrity.

One was a text sent to me last night after sharing with a friend all of these thoughts and struggles of villainy and monsters:  "I just need you to know that by far you are the most incredible woman I know because you've inspired me to be a better man. Sleep on that."

Second, is a famous poem by William Ernest Henley. Regardless of how he meant it or how the church has interpreted it, this poem has reminded me that heaven OR hell... It's my choice.  No one can make that for me.  No generational curses or predispositions.  No habits or demons, churches or Christians, rules and regulations can decide my fate.

It matters not how strait the gate, 

how charged with punishments the scroll. 

I am the master of my fate. 

I am the captain of my soul.